Suddenly you wake up. What started as an ordinary visit to an old friend suddenly might be more than that. Suddenly you become aware of how he makes you feel. Safe. Secure. You can trust him with your life. He will never go away. You wonder what it all means. That perhaps you have overlooked a good deal for years? Or that you have become desperate and that security and familiarity is all you want. Because it's safe. It's quiet.
A dilemma needs to be faced: whether or not to settle down for good, for safe and for quiet, or whether not to keep looking. For great, for excitement and for life. I think I have chosen the latter. O it is certainly good to have a quiet life. But I do not think that I want to fall in love with how someone makes me feel. I'd much rather fall in love with the person himself.
As I thought things over and imagined what it would be like, there were issues. Big issues. Like seeing up a little to seeing him. That's not good. Like probably never feeling proud of him. Impressed. Or having the will to make an effort, let alone being prepared to do anything for him. Never. After all, it would be a quiet life.
Not that I would have to do anything. No, there wouldn't be any need for that. He would happily pull the cart by himself. Alone. Whilst I continue living my life as I have always done. Taking up a job in Cairo. He'll come with. Should he have second thoughts, I'll threaten him: 'take it or leave it', without ever really worrying he'll leave it. Of course I would be upset if it'd ever end. No doubt about that. I will cry when he leaves. But also have the certainty to get over it. There would not be devastation afterwards.
What worries me most though is that one day I have to wake him up. One day I have to tell. One day I have to go. Smash the dream, say that I hoped it would work, that I have done my best but that I want my freedom back. The worst of this being that I know it now. That we'll make it for a year, maybe two. Maybe even longer, who knows. But I think I will always worry. Worry that I am found out. That I went for the safety, the security, the familiarity, but not for him. That I will just fall in love with someone else. Really fall in love without rationally choosing to if you even can. Then what? Then I leave for great? Or do I stay out of loyalty?
I don't think I want to answer any of these questions much less see a dream turn into a nightmare. I do not want to think about a boyfriend in terms of 'having to deal with him for a weekend.' But I would. And suddenly you wake up. This is not what I want. It is not what I am looking for. I may not be someone who likes conquering a guy, but I do not need one that would give it all to me on a silver plate either. I do not want to have to fight for my feelings. I choose not to choose but to let events take their course instead.
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